


Speak up (I'm losing you)

by greatdumbking



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Constipated Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Episode: s04e01-02 The Darkest Hour, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Arthur, Protective Merlin, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29112795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greatdumbking/pseuds/greatdumbking
Summary: When Arthur sets out to seal the veil, he knows he won't be coming back.  He struggles to tell Merlin how he feels before the end, first with the sigil, and then later when he tries to come to terms with Merlin once again attempting to give his life for him.(Or, what if Arthur actually tried to say goodbye? How did Arthur react to the Dorocha? What if he told Merlin what the sigil meant?)
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 158





	Speak up (I'm losing you)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Keaton Henson's song 'Prayer', a song about preparing to lose someone. Listen to it while reading if you want, it sets the mood beautifully. 
> 
> Hallelujah  
> I'm saving you up  
> All for the day you leave
> 
> I held you in  
> While you shed your skin  
> And I read myself to sleep
> 
> I know it's ending but  
> I'm on the mend oh  
> Unbalanced triumphant and trying again
> 
> Speak up  
> I'm losing you
> 
> We made a deal  
> Oh god don't make me feel  
> I got addicted to us
> 
> Darling you've been  
> My greatest defeat  
> So hate me to death if you must
> 
> Earth weary twin  
> Baby don't let me in  
> I'm afraid I'm ablaze with the people I've been
> 
> Speak up  
> I'm losing you

They rushed in, but it was too late. Arthur, in the throes of adrenaline latched onto Lancelot’s eyes in pure panic.

“What happened?”

And he turned around then to see the crumpled body facing the wall at the opposite end of the room. The panic bloomed further as he raced over, Lancelot making for his head, and Arthur kneeling at his chest, both their hands reaching for their friend. As they turned him over, the face that looked back at them tore a primal “ _no_ ” from Arthurs throat. He fell back onto the floor as he heard himself repeat “ _no no no no no_ ” his mind was blank, but his chest was caving in. He was suddenly aware that he was having trouble breathing. He felt Percival kneel beside him, but he could not wrench his unfocused eyes away from that face. The face of the man who pushed him back and jumped into death.

_Death_.

He tried to suck in a breath but what came was a sob.

But Lancelot turned then. “His heart! It still beats!”

Arthur scarcely processed this information before finding himself clambering across the floor to feel for himself as the knights around him swiftly agreed to bring him back to the fire, although Arthur was wholly preoccupied with feeling the faint thrum of pulse on his friend’s skinny wrist. Percival picked Merlin up while Arthur reluctantly let go and steeled himself, stumbling to get up, feeling drunk on adrenaline and grief. 

***

They miraculously made it back to the fire unscathed. They placed Merlin as close to the fire as possible – the consensus was that he needed to be warmed, fast. Then perhaps, he would become responsive. Lancelot insisted upon closing his eyelids, to give the semblance of sleep. Arthur for his part, refused to leave Merlin’s side, feeling the draw to keep his hand indefinitely on the pulse that held the promise he needed to hear over and over and over. _I’m Here I’m Here I’m Here._

But his skin was still deathly cold. He needed more warmth, and Arthur, now coming down from adrenaline and panic, chanced a glance around their makeshift camp in the slowly lightening hours of dawn, becoming aware for the first time of how his reaction might have appeared to the others. He found he actually didn’t care. If this morning was to be one of his last, he may as well live it truthfully, and if that meant his friends saw his love, well, good. It was proof he was still living. At least for now.

And so, he sat Merlin up, and positioned himself behind the younger man, and lowered him into his broad chest, rearranging the blanket around the both of them, willing himself to emanate the heat which would allow his friend to open his eyes once more. Just once more before he had to walk through the veil.

He knew it would not happen. He had listened to Gaius’ warning. But the pulse kept thrumming.

It wasn’t like he had never been confronted with the loss of Merlin before. The last time, Arthur thought Merlin was lost forever after the stone crashed down separating them. Those days had been torturous, thinking through day and night, especially night all the things he should have said, and what he would say if he had the chance to see Merlin again.

And then he did. Merlin crawled out of the swamp and they rode back to Camelot together on the same horse, pressed against each other, mud and all, too full of joy to say anything. And then they were in Camelot, and the things he thought he would say suddenly didn’t feel possible in those four walls where nothing of the sort ever had been uttered. Things were normal.

But here… and now. Arthur knew he would not be going back to Camelot. He would never see those four walls again. But in these ruins under the brightening sky, all those words came back, like he had memorised them, they felt _possible_. No, _necessary._ Something was clawing them out of him. His last days, his last words, they had to be the truth _._ But Merlin would not open his eyes to hear them.

Arthur had gotten close the night before, when he offered Merlin the sigil of his mother. He knew not if Merlin understood what it meant. He suspected not, but he had been too cowardly to explain it. But now, oh how he wished he had said all the things the gesture implied. It may have been his last chance.

***

With every minute that passed, Merlin’s pale face became more and more illuminated. And suddenly, he coughed.

Arthur’s eyes widened as the younger man’s opened, and they fell upon each other. Merlin smiled, ever so faint, before his face contorted in pain as Arthur sat frozen, staring down at him who he cradled against his chest.

“Merlin…”

“R-thr” Merlin replied.

“You’re…” Arthur’s incredulity melted into the background as he drank in Merlin’s eyes, and pure relief waved over him. But he was swiftly drawn back into the real world as the young man’s body was wracked with coughs again.

“Help! He’s awake!” He weakly shouted, and too soon Lancelot was at their side, breaking the timeless spell of the morning light as action flurried around him again.

He didn’t get a chance to say any of those things swirling around in his head, and before he knew it he was sending Merlin off on his horse, into almost certain death after a morning of pulling him back from the brink of it. All he managed to choke out was “This is my fault, and I’m sorry.”

The two of them may yet be reunited in death.

_Gods, what has brought us to this?_

_***_

How many times would Merlin return to him? He felt like the gods kept giving him chances to say his part, after he kept failing to utter them. But as Merlin walked through into the room none of those thoughts entered his head. It was only pure relief he felt.

***

Another night, and it was again the two of them awake as the rest slept. Arthur fancied that this pattern reflected their mutual urge to eke out as much time in each other’s company before the end. It was true on his part at least.

Merlin cut into his thoughts, “You don’t have to sacrifice yourself.”

“Have to save my people.”

“I will take your place.”

And wasn’t that typical. Not two days later and here this man was, offering his life to Arthur again. A wave of immense nebulous emotion rose in him, but he immediately shook his head, and warned, “Merlin…”

“What is the life of a servant compared to that of a prince?” That did not convince Arthur for one second, not with the unblinking stare Merlin cast upon him, those eyes haunted with something more. Arthur thought he knew what it might be.

But instead he plays along, casting Merlin’s declaration as a joke “Well a good servants hard to come by.”

“I’m not that good.” _Damn you_ Merlin.

“True.” It wasn’t.

One glance at Merlin and he could tell the matter was not settled. He needed to make Merlin see, really see, that it was the end. But he also needed to find out what exactly it was the end _of._

Still, Arthur looked conflicted, unsure whether he should continue. He shook his head

“You always do this. I-.” He cut himself off, looking down.

“Arthur…What-” Merlin prompted softly.

When Arthur looked up, he could feel his eyes were glassy despite himself. “You drink poison, you follow me into battle with no armor, you jump in front of…” His breath hitched. “And I know it’s not really because I’m a prince. I know you don’t actually care who I am.” He held Merlin’s gaze. “You might be the only one.”

Merlin clearly didn’t know what to say, but he was holding onto every word, continuing to bore into Arthur’s soul with his damned _gaze_.

“Truth be told, I never felt worthy of your devotion. That’s… That’s the puzzle I never figured out with you. You say I’m going to be some great king… I don’t believe you Merlin. You don’t care who I am, but you care enough about _me…_ ” he took a deep breath, “enough to die. But this time…” He reached for Merlin’s hand and he implored Merlin, with an intensity in his eyes. “You have to let me go.”

Merlin still didn’t know what to say. He only stared at his hand in Arthur’s grip.

“Ok?” Arthur implored.

“You can’t die.” He said dumbly.

“Your life will go on. You won’t have to wash my socks anymore.” Arthur tried a half smile.

Merlin ripped his hand away. “Don’t.”

“Look, I know it’s hard. I thought I lost you not _two days_ ago. You didn’t see what I… I just, I know it’s hard. But it is not the end.”

“It is.” Merlin looked so sure, so sad, almost angry. How had he ever earned the measure of this man’s life? 

Arthur shook his head “Merlin, you have the sigil. You can start a new life. You can”-

“The sigil? Arthur what-”

“It’s… I-” He sighed. So he didn’t know then. He recalled the desperation with which he had wished for this moment two mornings ago in the cold dawn and cursed himself for it now.

“It means you are family.” He said, not making eye contact, staring into the fire. Cowardly, again.

Merlin said nothing, but Arthur dared not to look at him.

“Royal family.” He added, quietly, looking down to his hands again. 

“You mean…” Merlin said slowly, a note of disbelief in his low tone.

Finally Arthur chanced a glance at Merlin, who eyes were blown wide and glassy, with a tinge of fear in his features.

Arthur gave an imperceptible nod, and Merlin let out a breath.

“I needed to know you’d be safe, taken care of. After I’m gone.” _Coward_. He saw Merlin frozen in thought, clearly in shock.

_Do it_. “But also,” He took a deep breath and met Merlin’s wide eyes. “You are, Merlin. Family.”

_More._ “And,” He let out a shuttering breath “Thank you for everything. I suppose I should say thank you at least once in my life.”

Merlin let out a soft laugh followed by sadness clouding his features once more, and for a moment they were silent.

“So this is your goodbye?” Merlin finally said, a tinge of anger in his voice

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Well, he did, but he once again couldn’t find the words. He hoped the thank you and I’m sorry would cover everything he felt, but he knew they did not. They were silent for a few agonizing minutes.

Until suddenly, Merlin whispered, “You know Arthur, it’s really not that difficult a puzzle.”

Arthur didn’t know how to respond. He knew, of course he knew. Before he could stop himself, he said it out loud.

“I know.”

Merlin just nodded imperceptibly, as if he didn’t trust himself to speak, and went back to staring at his own hands.

He suddenly needed Merlin to understand. “No Merlin, I _know._ ”

Merlin’s eyes met his again, red rimmed.

“I know.” Arthur repeated sadly, willing Merlin to understand the true meaning behind his words.

_It would have to be enough._

_Please gods let it be enough._

**Author's Note:**

> I might add a second chapter with the fallout after they both survive, and Lancelot is gone. Let me know if you'd like to see that!


End file.
